Why Can’t I Stop Overthinking?

It’s exhausting, the constant thoughts that won’t stop coming when something go how you were expecting it to.

Does something like this sound familiar?

You get a text message from a friend sharing some exciting news. Let’s say they just booked a solo European vacation for two weeks on a whim, and are leaving in a few days.

So you respond: “Oh wow! That’s so exciting. Can’t wait to hear all about it.”

You press send, and even though you, of course, responded quickly after receiving their text, they don’t respond. 10 minutes go by. Then 15.

So you think: “Did I say something that offended them?”

You re-read your text message. Then you read it again. And again, completely dissecting it. You used the phrase “Oh wow!” Could that have indicated judgment? Did they think you were judging them for traveling alone? Do they think that you thought they weren’t capable? That they’re stupid for going alone?

30 more minutes go by, and still no response from your friend. You are now convinced that they’re definitely somewhat offended by what you said. You’ve re-read your message so many times in that span, and convinced yourself that you’ve sounded “fake happy” for them, but really, they think you’re jealous of them for this adventure they get to go on.

You’ve also completely dissected your own punctuation. You used periods instead of exclamation points and happy emojis to better communicate your tone. You should’ve used exclamation points and emojis, you tell yourself.

After an hour, you’ve convinced yourself that your friend is definitely mad at you, and that they think you’re jealous, arrogant, bitter, and a bad friend.

But then they finally respond: “Yeah, I’m so excited! I’ve always wanted to do this. Can’t wait to tell you everything when I’m back!”

They were completely unbothered, not finding any offense whatsoever in your text to them, and probably were just busy with work, exercising, or cooking and got preoccupied after putting their phone down, etc.

You realize then that none of your worries were warranted, and you find yourself asking why you constantly do this. Why do you always overthink? Always jump to the worst-case scenario when nothing bad even happened?

It’s easy in situations like this to wonder what is wrong with you when nothing seemed to prompt the anxiety at all. Your friend never communicated they were upset, never insinuated it in any way.

Overthinking is your brain’s way of trying to protect you based on past experiences.

Somewhere along the way, your brain learned that if it constantly scanned for problems, then you would be safer in the world. Sometimes this happens when children grow up with parents that are unpredictable, frequently critical of them, are emotionally neglectful, frequently engage in conflict, or made you feel that you constantly had to walk on eggshells. Sometimes it’s easy to recognize if you had a childhood like this if there was obvious abuse or trauma, but other times, your parents may have been wonderful in other ways. They may have provided for you well, put you in all the extracurriculars, took you on nice vacations, etc. But you have also learned that they could unpredictably fly into a rage, or that if you didn’t do something perfectly, they would criticize you for it.

Your body is designed for survival, and when these kinds of situations occur, your nervous system learns that if you can anticipate problems before they happen, then you can stay safe.

This survival strategy often continues into adulthood, even if the original environment that caused the overthinking/anticipation of problems is now gone.

Your nervous system has been trained that it needs to be ready to protect you at all times.

So what can overthinking look like:

·      Replaying conversations that you’ve had in your mind, over and over

·      Worrying about how other people see you

·      Struggle with decision making

·      Constantly imagining and convincing yourself that the worst-case scenario will happen

·      Repeatedly checking your texts or emails

·      People-pleasing behaviors/trying to keep those around you happy

·      Perfectionism

·      Struggling to relax

·      Constantly needing reassurance from others

Why logic doesn’t make it stop:

Sometimes you may experience the dissonance of “I logically know this to be true, but I just don’t believe it.” It’s frustrating because you can reason your way through a situation, but your body and your brain just don’t seem to accept that reasoning.

This is because when the part of our brain that is designed to keep us alive gets activated, the part of our brain in charge of logic and reasoning tends to go “offline.” Survival—even the perceived need to survive with a threat absent—will always come first, and will override any logic and reasoning. Your brain cares most about keeping you alive. So you can reason all you want in these situations, but once your body is kicked into “fight-flight mode,” logic can only do so much. The brain has already learned that constantly being hypervigilant will keep you safe.

How EMDR can help:

It can feel extremely defeating, especially if you’ve already gone to therapy for a while using talk therapy or CBT therapy, and tried to work through some of these issues to no avail.

EMDR therapy, however, works differently. It doesn’t erase the memories that have trained your brain to be stuck in hyperalert, but it does help the brain to reprocess those experiences that keep your nervous system stuck in “fight-flight mode.”  

As those experiences get processed, the brain will store them away in long-term memory, making them feel “further away,” and less like you’re constantly under threat.

As people move through EMDR, they often find themselves worrying less often, feeling calmer both in mind and body, overthinking less, feeling more confident, and spending much less time anticipating the worst-case scenario.

You don’t have to stay stuck forever.

If you have been stuck in a cyclical pattern of anxiety and overthinking, remember that you are not broken. Your mind has been working hard to protect you based on experiences you’ve had in life. When you can work through these memories, and the nervous system no longer feels like it needs to constantly be hypervigilant, the patterns of overthinking will loosen its hold on you.

If you’re struggling with chronic overthinking, anxiety, perfectionism, or people-pleasing, therapy can help you in understanding why these patterns exist, and help you to create lasting change and relief. I provide EMDR therapy for adults and adolescents in-person in Santa Clarita, CA and throughout California via telehealth.