Why Do I Feel Guilty Saying No? Understanding People-Pleasing

You’ve had a really long week. You had to work overtime at work on both Monday and Tuesday because they needed extra hands and no one else would volunteer, so you reluctantly agreed. You offered to watch your sister’s child on Wednesday night because she was in a bind. You didn’t really want to, but you worried she’d be upset if you said “no,” so you reluctantly said “yes.” Thursday, after work, you were already exhausted, but your friend asked you to join her on a gym date. You didn’t have it in you, but saying “no” felt too anxiety-provoking. You didn’t want her to get mad or think you didn’t want to spend time with her, so you said “yes.” You made through Friday, and you are thrilled to just relax this weekend and finally recoup. But then you get a text from a family member that night. They tell you that they need you to drive them to multiple places in various different cities for various errands that they suddenly need to get done right away. You know they could’ve done these things on another day before now, and worse, you know they could’ve asked various other family members, but they always ask you, and they do it because they know you’ll say “yes.” You are irritated. They know how much you work during the week. Heck, you even texted them yesterday to tell them how exhausting this week has been for you, but they still ask you. And you still say “yes.” Not because you want to or because it’s the kind or generous thing to do, but because the idea of saying “no” feels terrifying to you. This is a prime example of people-pleasing behaviors.

What exactly does people-pleasing look like?

·      Saying “yes” when you want to say “no”

·      Constantly apologizing, even if you haven’t done anything wrong

·      Avoiding conflict at all costs

·      Changing your opinions based on who you are with so that you are always agreeing

·      Struggling to ask for help or for what you need

·      Feeling like you are responsible for other people’s emotions

·      Needing frequent reassurance that someone isn’t mad at you

Kindness and people-pleasing are not the same thing.

It can feel off-putting to think about changing people-pleasing tendencies because engaging in people-pleasing behaviors keeps you likable. You are probably regularly seen a good, nice person that people speak fondly of. You probably have a lot of friends and are praised regularly by your bosses and peers. And the idea of stopping these patterns makes you afraid that you’ll come across as rude and that people will stop liking you.

So what’s the difference between kindness and people-pleasing?

Kindness is rooted in a genuine care for others. When you are being kind to others, there is freewill in your choice to do something nice for them in an genuine effort to help them thrive. There is no obligation, and there is no fear driving your decision. Afterwards, you are left feeling fulfilled, happy, and energized.

Whereas, people-pleasing is rooted in fear that there will be some kind of consequence if you do not do the “nice” thing. Afterwards, you are left feeling overwhelmed, stretched-thin, angry, and/or resentful.

Kindness allows you to give to others out of your own goodwill and no harm comes to you in the process as you are still able to implement healthy boundaries. People-pleasing ignores your boundaries or personal limits, and your decision to give comes from fear or obligation to avoid upsetting someone else.

Here is an example:

            Let’s go back to the family member asking you to drive them on multiple errands on your day off. You are already exhausted, but you feel stretched thin. You really need time to decompress and relax from your week, and it would feel like way too much to drive them all over, completely taking up your day off.

            The people-pleasing answer: You tell them “yes,” that you can do it, and you ignore your own personal feelings/boundaries to avoid conflict/rejection.  

However, underneath it, you immediately feel dread, anger, resentful that they are putting this on you. You aren’t saying “yes” to be kind to them, you are saying “yes” because if you don’t, you fear there’ll be some kind of conflict or rejection.

            The kind answer: You tell them that you are exhausted a need a day to rest. If you want to be helpful, you offer to help them out the following weekend, or you might offer to take them on one or two of their errands, but not on all of them because you have to take care of yourself as well.

In this situation, you still offered to help this person out, but in a way that respects your own needs and boundaries, too. You are left feeling like you are still helpful to them, but not in a complete self-sacrificing way that would lead to resentment.

Why do people become people-pleasers?

            There are a variety of reasons why people might become people-pleasers, but it often develops for a reason, and usually it has served as a way to avoid conflict or rejection, or to maintain connection with someone. Often times, this happens in childhood with a parent or caregiver, but it can also happen later in life in other relationships as well.

            Some contributing factors:

·      You may have grown up in a home with frequent conflict or it felt unsafe

·      You learned that being “good” was the only way to earn love or affection from parents

·      You had parents or caregivers whose emotions were unpredictable, and you felt responsible for being “good” to help control their emotions

·      You were told that you were “easy” or “good” and regularly received praise for it

·      You grew up experiencing an intense fear of rejection or abandonment

·      You went through past experiences where you may have tried to be more assertive or have firmer boundaries, and experienced rejection, conflict, or disconnection as a result

People-Pleasing and the Nervous System

            You may have heard about the “fight-flight-freeze” response when your autonomic nervous system gets activated when detecting either a real or perceived threat. These are different responses to threats that include fighting back (e.g., either through physical fighting, arguing, verbally attacking someone back, etc.), flight (e.g., avoidance of a situation, running away, etc.), or freezing (e.g., going silent, shutting down, etc.).

            However, there is a fourth, less-talked about response called the “fawn” response. People-pleasing often functions as the “fawn” response, which can come across as “if I keep you happy, then I will be safe.”

            Some examples of the fawn response:

·      Automatically agreeing to something

·      Always trying to fix someone else’s negative emotions or disappointment

·      Feeling anxious whenever someone else feels upset, and sometimes assuming it’s because of you

·      Being hyperaware of others’ mood and tone

·      No longer paying attention to what you actually want

·      Apologizing even when you’ve done nothing wrong

The Cost of Constant People-Pleasing

            When you are constantly trying to manage everyone else’s emotions and keep them happy, it is very easy to lose touch with your own. You may struggle to recognize your own needs and struggle with setting clear, healthy boundaries with others. Constant people-pleasing generally leads to burnout and emotional exhaustion, chronic anxiety, one-sided relationships where you are the only one putting in any effort, and feeling resentful towards others.

When People-Pleasing is Connected to Past Experiences & How EMDR Therapy Can Help

            Sometimes your awareness that something is happening isn’t enough to change it. You might be well-aware that you are people-pleasing when you do it, but because your nervous system learned this pattern as a way to stay safe and to avoid danger or rejection, setting healthier boundaries can feel scary even if you logically know it’s healthy to do so. Your fear response will always override your “logic brain.”

            Therapy can help you identify where the root of where this pattern started. EMDR Therapy, in particular, can be helpful when people-pleasing patterns are connected to uncomfortable or distressing past experiences, difficult relational patterns, or beliefs, such as:

·      “My needs don’t matter.”

·      “I don’t matter.”

·      “I’m responsible for keeping everyone happy.”

·      “If someone is upset with me, I’ve done something wrong.”

·      “I can’t say ‘no.’”

·      “I’m not important.”

Change is Possible

            You don’t need to abandon your caring, nurturing nature to stop people-pleasing. It is good to be giving and compassionate to others—these are strengths! But getting to the root of the fear that drives your people-pleasing patterns and working through them can allow you to continue being compassionate, supportive, and helpful to those around you while still taking care of your own needs and having a voice of your own.

            Learning to say “no,” learning to tolerate disappointment, and tending to your needs can feel uncomfortable initially, particularly if your nervous system has learned that keeping others happy is essential for safety or connection to loved ones. But through healing and practice, you can begin to build relationships where you don’t have to earn love by always putting yourself last.

            You matter, too.